Dear Monkus, (A letter to my almost 5 month old)
Today I googled the question "Can you die from sleep deprivation?" Yes - I really did, because I felt like it was definitely possible (in case you're wondering - there are no reported human cases of death from staying awake, but a few experiments on rats that lead to the conclusion that it is quite possible). As we are approaching your 5 month-aversary from the day your beautiful little face changed our world and showed me that it was in fact possible for my heart to split in two once again - I can't help but wonder... will you ever freaking sleep?! I don't know how much longer I can survive on these 45 minutes to hour and a half intervals of nighttime "sleep". Just give me three hour stretches. I can handle those. What is happening right now is breaking poor momma down. The constant exhaustion headache is blinding. Today I took you and your older brother to Target and I honestly don't remember driving there (that can't be safe). We were about a mile into our drive when your brother screeched that he "needed to be buckled in!" and I pulled over frantically realizing I hadn't strapped him into his car seat (that REALLY isn't safe). Somehow - we made it there. I walked around the store in a haze - listening to your brother discuss which Cars car he needed, read my list about 30 times without actually processing where I needed to go in the store, and kept reaching over to pop your Ma back in (Ma = what we call a pacifier) while you grunted and fussed because you too are so stinking tired... yet you still don't sleep. You just fussed louder and louder, smiling between grunts because through the exhaustion you are still somehow the happiest little guy, until I stopped the cart and just laid my head down on the front handle (which as you know indicates just how tired this germaphobe is that she's risking that kind of contamination) and prayed you'd just fuss yourself to sleep. You didn't. But your brother did turn to you and start singing his favorite song to "make him better mommy". This melts my heart every single time and I mustered up enough strength to keep on pushing the cart and finish this "quick" trip (lets be honest - no target trip is ever quick - and I left there without the one thing I really needed, your dads Milk). As I dragged my feet towards the front of the store wondering if I'd have the energy to fight with your brother to place his newest purchase on the checkout belt, I heard the cries of someone elses' infant and another protesting toddler. I perked up and looked around - finding odd comfort in this strangers crying baby. And there she was - another "Mombie". A fussing infant, a demanding toddler, and that blank stare with bruise like circles under her next to tears eyes walking around somewhat aimlessly, seemingly without purpose. We saw each other and smiled - sharing a mental conversation that was short, but needed. I get it. They'll sleep one day. We will be normal humans again - and you aren't alone.
I don't want to sound ungrateful. You and your brother are my absolute everything and the fact that you both need me every waking AND sleeping second is incredibly humbling. There will come a day when you don't need me this much and my heart will ache for these all nighters. I will take an eternity of sleepless nights if it meant ever having to live one day without both of your sweet, perfect little faces. But right now, while we are right in the thick of the no sleeping - Momma is begging you - please sleep. For the sanity and safety of everyone. Just slightly longer stretches is all I am asking for. Before leaving Target I texted your Dad that I may stop at the fire station to drop you off... and I think he may have actually been concerned there was some seriousness to that text. There wasn't... unless they'd take you both for an hour or two so I could nap.. then there is some seriousness in there :).
At this very moment as I prepare to drag myself into bed - I hear you fussing over the monitor. It's been exactly 1.5 hours since I first put you in your crib. You sense I'm coming, and now demand to be held and nursed. So my sweet Monkus, lets make a deal. I will give you another month of all night feedings, and rocking, and walking around the room "shhh, shhh, shushings" if you give me three hour stretches come 6 months. I feel like that is totally fair. And I promise to never let you cry it out. To always come when called and to snuggle you all night long if you so wish... And lets be honest I'd do that every day until you went to college if you'd let me (and then while home on breaks:)). I love you to the moon and back, MTTCT little man. If this continues on past 6 months, I already forgive you, just like I forgive you for coming late. I will survive doing this forever if thats what you need. Thats what parenthood is - anything and everything for you and your brother. In the grans scheme of things this time is oh so short.. but a little more sleep would be so nice for your past exhaustion Momma.
I love you more than you will ever know Foxy.
Love always and forever,
Momma
PS: I'd say I am sorry for all the grammatical errors - but frankly I am too tired for that nonsense ;-).
